Hellllllo world! Long time, no blog. I guess that would only matter if I actually had any readers... whamps. Well, no worries, I actually like the idea of talking to the abyss... this might be the only way my words don't  come back to bite me in the ass.  Any who - I guess I'm writing because it has been mooonnnnths and so much has happened and I'm starting to feel like my head might explode. 

Since the last time I wrote about my wonderful 4th of July holiday, I have since gotten a new job, a better job, found out I'm pregnant (again), and have been trying to plan this stupid wedding before 'bambino' arrives.  Ty and I are better BTW. Most days that is. Now I don't mean to imply that we continue to have had crazy arguments like the 4th (not at all, I'd be long gone if that were the case), but although we've talked about it and put it behind us, we do still have arguments and times when I don't even want to look at him. Now it's just dumb shit and I can't decide if it's my raging hormones or if Ty is really being a dick. All that is still up for debate.

So first things first..NEW JOB! Whoot! Very excited and very proud to say that I've only been with the company for 2 months (approx) and already I'm getting watched for my 1st promotion. :) As exciting as this is for me, I'm beginning to sense some hostility from Ty.  I'm doing what I love and he is not, and now I officially make more than him. I can't seem to figure out what it is that has got us 'off kilter' but I think this may or may not be a factor.

#2. Yay! OMG I'm pregnant again! I love the idea of being prego - but geez-la-weez it's not really all that 'fun'. Everyone officially knows that I'm prego and everyone (in my circle) seems pretty excited and happy for me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't talk about it all the time, it gets old people just don't want to hear about it non stop. It's just that I'm super excited and I can't wait to meet my baby. I still have some ways to go though, right now I am 15weeks exactly tomorrow (and risk of m/s has dropped dramatically). :) So this puts me just beginning my 2nd trimester, the "easy trimester"...however just to clarify, the only thing that has gotten better is the fact that I don't feel nauseous as often. But I'm still tired, I'm still grouchy, my boobs are still tender, and to top it off, I still have absolutely NO sex drive. <<< This is also factor #2 for Ty's stank disposition.  ...Annnnd I'm over it.

#3 The wedding. I'm remembering all too well why I decided to push the damn thing back a year and just chuck all thoughts of planning this thing out the window.  THIS IS SO STINKIN' STRESSFUL! And even more so now that I'm trying to rush everything so that bambino isn't a bastard.  I hate it, I hate thinking about planning, I hate calling/emailing people about planning, I hate following up with Ty to find out he's done 0 of the 2 things I asked of him to help out with planning.  <<< This is factor #3 for My stank disposition. Basically it all just sucks.

And #4. Back to Bambino.  To be 110% honest, I already know raising this child is going to be hellacious.  Not because my baby will be hellacious, but because I have different standards for myself and for my children than Ty and it would almost be easier to raise bambino on my own than to argue about how bambino should be raised.  Little does Ty know, his vote doesn't really count... or maybe he does know and this is factor #4. ?? Its just that Ty and I come from two very different homes, families, and lifestyles so we don't see eye-to-eye on some things...particularly family values/closeness & child rearing. I don't know, I really don't even care. All I know is that this baby is already the light of my life and the only thing I think about 24/7.  This baby already has me wrapped around her (<wishful thinking) finger and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to give this baby everything I had and more.  No matter who tries to stand in my way.

Arg! I really don't know what it is that has Ty and I at a stand still. But figuring that out will have to wait for a different night. I'm sleepy now. Bambino doesn't allot me much energy lately and I think I have officially tapped out for today. Till next time...ttfn

Happy 4th of July

Where do I even begin?  i mean my entire holiday weekend started off fine but was then ruined in a matter of 12hrs.  Every other 4^th of July, my family plans to meet at my mother’s house and grill and cookout.  This year was no different as far as plans are concerned. The exception this year, was that my mother had a bug up her butt because her husband, after 3hrs was still MIA.  If you personally know me, you know that I despise my mother’s new husband…not because he’s “not my father!” - no that shipped sailed years ago - it's because he is a son of a bitch, because he is a selfish, worthless piece of shit.  Anyway, beyond that about mid-way into the afternoon, my mom is completely beside herself, and taking her frustrations out on Jess, Ty & myself. And then what do ya know, lo and behold guess who shows up 5hrs late? Her husband.  And guess who also decided to pitch a fit about us having beer in the cooler? That was also my mother’s husband.  I guess my biggest issue was how is it that my mother was fine with us ADULTS having a few beers while we cooked and joked around at HER house (yes, her house because she does not live with her husband-they have separate homes) but he comes over and suddenly everything must change? Ugh! I fucking hate him! I hate that he tries to show dominance over my mother and she LETS him!  At that point Jess, Ty, and I left the cook out.  We didn’t stay to eat, we made plates and took the food and our beer and came back to my house. No my mother hasn’t apologized for being a weak bitch and choosing some man over her children, no she didn’t acknowledge the obvious fact that we were upset. But I guess Jess & I should be used to it by now. All the same, in no time we were all laughing and joking around again…I felt like I had gotten my chillax holiday back.  Well that was until a measly game of Asshole went stupidly wrong.  Long story short, Ty loss, Jess won and that didn’t go over well.  Being super pissed Ty ended up driving off (mind you, we have been drinking allllll day) and when he returned I told him just how stupid that was. This in turn fueled and argument between the two of us.  And THIS is where it gets frightening. Sidebar: Ty and I argue. It's no surprise, we dont do it all the time but we do.  I am quite the head strong female and I have no problem expressing myself; so when Ty was pissy about what I had to say, it didn’t faze me and I didn’t bite my tongue.  The crazy part was Ty’s reaction. He got in my face, an inch away from my nose and proceeded to yell and shout at me. And when I stood up, yelling back, flailing my arms in challenge; he grabbed me, picked me up and carried me away. Literally. And the whole time I’m yelling “put me down”, “get off me”.  I was hitting him in his back and pushing my forearm into his throat. The picture I’m painting doesn’t do justice to how enraged and scared I was in that moment.  Ty wouldn’t let me go – he wouldn’t let me leave the room, he was pinning me down.  The thing is that it went on for another hour and a half. Finally when the yelling stopped I immediately walked away; puffy eyes, horse voice and tear streaked cheeks. I had said I was going to stop smoking but after the day and evening I had been having; i needed one - bad.

In all reality and seriousness: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!?!

 I will not be in an abusive relationship.

 I will not be controlled. 

Ty and I both apologized that night and promised to never let anger cloud our minds and rule our actions.  ABUSE IS A CHOICE - AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I TOLERATE SOMEONE CHOOSING TO HURT ME. The next day we did nothing but talk more about the incident and how unacceptable it was.  In all honesty, I still feel like the issue isn't unresolved.  I think we need couples therapy.  I mentioned it to Ty but we didn’t go into much depth. But seriously I think we need someone to help us communicate better. And I don’t care if all we get from it is learning to say “I need a time out” and walking away before things escalate into anything emotionally or physically harmful. Any communication progress would make me feel better than fearing that I am potentially with an abusive spouse.  I don’t feel like one incident should or can dictate a person’s character, but I won’t sit around and wait for the worst either.  We have never, ever, EVER been aggressive like that before, I have no idea where all that came from, but still I can’t ignore it.  I don’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill or over exaggerate the situation…but if it’s not nipped in the bud, then it has the potential of growing into something much worse and in becoming much more harder to escape. 

My Stupid Mouth

I miss my grandma.  Until recently, a part of me never really accepted the fact that she is gone.  Days like today make me feel like it’s bold in print everywhere I look.  With her being states away, it was common not to have spoken to her in a few days; but when she wasn’t traveling or doing something at her church, she could AND would talk for hours. I miss that.  I miss her voice and her infectious laugh.  I need that right now. I hate that I miss her so much because missing her doesn’t change anything and I’m just left feeling worse than before and so selfish. I miss her because I still need her. You see, there are things I can talk to my mom about, things I can talk to Jess about, and then there were things that only my grandma would understand, and now that she’s gone – who can I talk to??

My grandma was THE ONLY person who has ever understood who I am and the best part about that was that she never tried to change me; she just taught me how to deal with those people who weren’t fortunate enough J to understand me.  She had a way of helping me step outside of my own thoughts and into someone else’s.

The thing is, just when I think Ty and I are doing so great, so strong and nothing can break us… we always find something that’s more bad-ass than us.  Last night we found that thing, that robust topic of conversation that could no longer be avoided: the Ty-Pax-Roxy Triangle.  For me it’s not a Pax thing, or even a Roxy thing, it’s a ‘be mature & fight for your kid’ kind of thing. [See previous “grouch” blog] But I guess it doesn’t matter because what I said came out so horribly wrong that the ‘conversation’, now flat out argument, was a ‘Nessav without Ty’ thing. <<  That makes it sound like this was entirely my fault, but when I sit back and try to think how Ty was thinking…I reckon it is.   Ever feel like you are the only thing standing in your way of happiness? I do. Sometimes it feels like I’m sabotaging my relationship with Ty.  Sometimes my attitude and pride can be so disheartening. Ty is by far the most amazing guy I have ever been with (hence me deciding to marry him)…and when you think of the fools I wasted time on, you’d see that it is not hard to be better than them. So while that’s not saying much, it really says everything at the same time.  Basically, those boys put me through Hell and even all of them combined couldn’t make up half the man Ty is.  Last night made me realize that sometimes I forget to appreciate him.

 The conversation spun so far out of control that at the end while I am leaving the house, speeding away to go buy cigarettes, Ty calls me to say that he will be sleeping at his work office for the night.  Now we have been here before, big argument and Ty is the first to spit words of fire, talking about leaving the relationship. We agreed not to do that anymore right? Well, this was different.  As he said he was leaving for the office, he followed that with “it sounds like you don’t know if WE (Ty & Pax or Ty & Myself …it stings however you slice it) are what you want anymore, so when you decide – just call me.”  *SMACK! In the face* I’m sorry, what?  I suppose I never thought it would come down to that.  I guess I was just expecting him to say ‘yeah I’m going to try harder’ and it be done but now as I replay the argument I can see how he would come to that conclusion.  Every word that came out my mouth was negative.  Every point I tried to make was backed with nonsense that did nothing but make him feel like a failure.  I made it seem like Ty was a failure in his past, a disappointment with his son, and now a letdown to me.  Reality is I was the only 'failure' in this equation.  I remember a long time ago, giving one of my BFFs a heart-to-heart about her then boyfriend, saying “your significant other is supposed to be the person who builds you up when the world tries to extinguish your fire; why be with someone who tears you down just as bad as the rest of the world??”  I should be in the mirror when I say these things… Maybe Grandma left a few pearls of wisdom with me after all.  I feel horrible that I was extinguishing Ty’s fire last night.  When I should have been supporting his, I was pulling him down.  I was, I admit it, and I hate myself for it.  Where helping Ty fight for Pax was really what my mind was thinking, but my mouth was not on the same page.  

I got home from the buying cigarettes and although his truck was still in the driveway, he was not in the house.  I checked the garage to see if he’d taken his bike, but no that was still there too.  I had no idea where he was or if the next time I’d see him, he’d have packed bags.  Still I was too stupid to see what was slipping away.  I didn’t call him; instead I fell into an old routine of taking a hot shower and playing my old break-up mix cd.  -SMH- A lot of good that did me because half way in I was sitting on the shower floor, crying.  And once again, Ty proves to be the ‘bigger person’ amongst the two of us…turns out he couldn’t go.  He had been sitting in his truck the whole time. “You came back.” I whispered as I hugged him so tight. “I never left.  If you don’t want this you’re gona have to tell me to my face.”

I don’t know what I did to bump into Ty and stumble upon such a pure heart, but God, I am lucky. I vow to watch my stupid mouth, and to never take him for granted like I have been.

 Every day is: Ty Appreciation Day

Scoot Over Oscar the Grouch

Grrr! All day I have been in such a foul mood. A dirty, foul, trash can-ey mood...so scoot over Oscar, can i share your can? Honestly, I don't even know where to begin; I don't know how to explain it. It's no secret that I don't particularly care for Ty's ex...  Well no, even as I attempt to explain, I have to correct myself and further elaborate... I realized today that it is not Ty's ex that chaps my ass; it's not Pax's ill manners that irk my nerves (even though it does); my problem, the real root of my piss poor attitude is the lack of MATURITY between Ty and Roxy, and how I am dragged in the middle of it.  It's weird because I don't feel like I'm "in the middle" of their mess, but I'm on the side-lines and watching the debacle and somehow everything in my life is directly affected.

 Bottom line is I'm sick of it, all of it! I mean seriously, how difficult is it to communicate as adults for the betterment of your shared child?  I've been thinking so much about it today, and the only thing I can come up with is > THIS is a deal breaker <   Is that so wrong? Is that selfish of me...to want to have a normal life that doesn't envolve tense emotions 4x a week over the same bull shit? For the better half of a year, I have listened to Ty gripe and complain about Roxy but never, ever doing  ANYTHING to change or fix the situation. And now, now I just don't want to listen anymore, or be around it, or have to be affected by it ever again. This isn't an Aiden situation, it's a "be a grown up about it" situation.  I don't love Ty any less, but I'm not willing to go through this for the rest of my life either.

Ugh! I feel so horrible saying that, but it's true. It's so true. Yesterday, I spent my evening home alone going over details or our upcoming wedding, and now - that is the last thing I want to think about.

The worse part about all this: how do I talk to Ty about it? I haven't a clue. Not one iota of a clue (that was worded funky but you get what I mean).  Because I don't know how to say all this to his face, I've just been avoiding his face all together. Saying that out loud, I guess that's not reeeaallly high on the maturity bar but all the same, I don't know how to tell him how I feel. It's like starting an email with "I don't mean to be a dick but..." Yeah, no good way to end that. And one thing Jess is always telling me "everything before the but is buulll shiiiiitt"  So I've been off from work for about 3hrs now and I still can't bring myself to drive home.

empty

Today is not a good day... Today would be day 250 on the countdown, but instead it is day 0. I found out that I am experiencing what doctors call a Chemical Pregnancy. If you are still confused like I was 2hrs ago, please allow me to explain. A 'chemical pregnancy' is when sperm meets egg and implantation to the uterine wall is attempted but not successful, thus resulting in an early miscarriage. As comforting news I was told that this happens when the embryo is "abnormal or has deficiencies" so "it's okay that is is happening". Ironic how that's not comforting at all, funny how that statement didn't make coping with all this any easier.

Ty isn't very helpful right now either. When I explained everything to him, he just kept saying "I don't understand." but >I< don't know how else to make him understand, and frankly I'm kind of tired of repeating the unsavory details of how I no longer have a baby inside me. What part of: I  was  - now I'm not, is hard to understand? Whatpart of MISCARRIAGE is he missing exactly?

all I can think about right now is how, for whatever reason, God REFUSES to let me have a child of my own.  This is the 2nd time I've been denied. First I get pregnant by someone who did nothing but rally for an abortion, so that we could prepare & 'do it right', but then he left me/dumped the day of the procedure. And now that I actually found someone to stick around and be happy with me, I still can't have a baby. I don't know if I even want to try anymore. What for? I feel like I'd only be setting myself up for disappointment. I guess something this good could never really happen to someone like me.

Two Hundred and Fifty-Two Days Countdown!

Today I’m writing from home because I still don’t have web access right now. Only heaven knows when this will actually hit cyber space, but no worries, gona write anyway.  So like I said before I am currently pregnant (yay!) but really, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Recently, my emotions have been all over the place, and I’m only 4weeks into this.  How crazy is that? I’ve gone from being really excited wanting to tell the world, to really nervous, wondering if I really am pregnant.  I’m pretty sure I am…I can feel my body is doing some crazy stuff. I’ve taken three test and they all been faint results; honestly I was hoping for a strong ‘yes’ no questions, solid, matter a of fact…but no dice...just two little lines...that's all i have to go off of.  With the faint hpt I’ve kinda been freaking out. For about a day and a half I walked around worrying and wondering if I were pregnant or just plain sick.

  To spite my doubtful moments, I did however pick up two pregnancy books to read, and I’m thrilled to point out that neither of these book are the cliché: “What to Expect When Expecting”. I’m proud of that actually… that book is over- rated and I don’t want the commercial version of being pregnant, I want the facts and real tips/guidelines to follow to ensure the healthiest most perfect baby ever. J

Thinking about it now, I can’t believe I figured out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 3 days. (whoo I'm good) Ha! Most women don’t notice anything until 6 or 8weeks.  By then it’s a little too late to clean your act up and try to make sure the baby will be okay.  They say the most critical time is the first 3-8weeks. The 1^st trimester is so important. And that’s where most miscarriages happen too.

God I hope I don’t have a miscarriage. I’m trying so hard to make my body healthy and do everything right. I want this baby so very badly.

>>>Do u see this? The way my mind just jumps from one thing to the next, over joyed to worry wart in 2.7 seconds. <<<

This whole baby thing has been good for Ty and I though.  Not saying that I believe having some dude’s  baby will make him love you, but I am saying I feel closer and stronger in the relationship Ty and I share..(even though we just got into an argument).  I’m excited to be having his baby, when he lays his hand on my non-existent belly…I can’t imagine being in this position with anyone else. Ty finally had the reaction I was hoping for when I first told him I was pregnant. Don’t get me wrong he seemed happy when I told him the news, but literally the next day after work, he came up to me, gave me a huge hug and whispered… "I can’t believe I’m about to have a baby with the woman of my dreams, my best friend, my wife.”  I almost cried.  He is so wonderful sometimes…he definitely has his moments.   Uh, I love him. <3 

I want a little girl…Ty wants a boy. I might go insane if i have to live with all boys #soserious. But really a part of me hopes for fraternal twins, a girl and a boy so we’re both happy. Hahahaha

So this is day 252…count down! I can’t wait for my first ultrasound!!!! 3 more weeks till i get to hear the baby's heartbeat! *heavy sigh* I can't wait!!

Shhh.... It's a Secret

So, once again it takes forever for me to FIND the time to blog...well, here I is, :) and today it is all about my little secret. I'm not supposed to tell because it's so early in the game, but I've been bursting all day...well, for about 5hrs now.

DRUMROLL PLEASE...

I'm pregnant. I feel like I just thought that too loud.

So here's the story. Ty and I have been doing a lot of talking about getting pregnant, and completing our little family.  We weren't nescessarily trying to concieve but we weren't taking percautions either.  Literally, our conversation was that after this round/month on birthcontrol, I'd stop...and whatever happens - happens. No, that is NOT how you plan a family; and No, that was NOT well thought out. I'm aware of that, but it is what it is.  Anyway, here I am, not even a full month after not using my bc - el prego. (Ty and I had sex maybe 4months before I started bc and nothing ever happened.)

Or at least I hope so. The plus sign was pretty faint, but plus is a plus right? Is that crazy? I mean, the ONLY thing I am disappointed about is that I really really really wanted to be married and have the wedding first. I'm just old fashion like that, and I don't want it to seem like we are only getting married because we got pregnant. But again, I guess that goes back to the conversation Ty and I had...probably should have considered that before deciding to 86 the bc.  Truth be told, even in the concequenses of my stupidity, I am happy. I am so HAPPY.  And that IS  how it's supposed to be when you get pregnant.

Now the thing that scares me is how I'm going to tell my family... yeah, my mom will be disappointed that we aren't married; and then my older sister, Jess, she might be hurt. All Jess wants is to settle down and have a family, but for some reason she cannot seem to find a decent guy to do that with. I feel bad. Not like an "aww you poor thing" but I just feel like my life is shoving in her face what she doesn't have. She doesn't want my life, just the generalization, she wants a good man that loves her, wants to be with her, marry her. And everyone knows she wants more than anything to have a baby. I just feel bad.  So, I'm not really sure how to tell them. I'm confident my little sisters will be thrilled though, so that's good. We'll see I guess. I think the best part is that Ty is happy, and honestly - he's the one that really matters.

So that's it. That's my secret...keep it hush-hush for now. I've already scheduled my first doctors appointment 24 days from now. It's going to be so hard bitting my tongue for this long, but sheesh it'll be worth it. 110%


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're having a BABY!!!!!!!!        (is it too soon to buy little pink socks??)

one thing at a time...

Ahhhhhhhh!!!  What to write, what to write?! I have been itchin' for something to say for weeks, because there has been so much going on, BUT because my life has been so chaotic - I haven't had time to blog. Hince, here I am, finaly my day off, I scheduled time to blog.

My head has been a nut case of thoughts, scatter brains to say the least... I will attempt to unfold everything in a reasonable manner, but I can't make any promises.

I just moved. Like 6 days ago. This will be the THIRD place I have trucked my stuff to since I met Ty. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't want to live without him, but I can't continue to jump around like this...3x in less than a year?? That's a bit much...even for me, and I come from a military moving family. I must say as much as I hate that we've moved so much, I'm actually happy with the place we are in now.
- good neighboorhood & amazing S--P--A--C--E

HUBBY DID WELL :)

i'm so excited to decorate & actually make this place a home for us. I'm praying this is the last stop for a while.  Not just for me, but for Pax too.  Speaking of Pax : so my goal is to get custodial parenting of Pax. I just feel like since Roxy never seems to want to have Pax around, and pawns him off all the time...why isn't SHE the one with visitation days instead of Ty? To be honest, I feel a little out of place being the one who is fighting for custody when Ty isn't, but someone needs to have this kids interest at heart.  Someone needs to make this kid a priority.

 Anyway, so next on my mind...my job. It blows and I know I can' do better, I've just been lazy. It was supposed to be a second job, in addition to my "real" job, but then I quit that "real" job and have been working the second - which is now my only - job. I want a real job, something I can be proud to say "this is what I do..." I shouldn't be nervous to bump into old classmates...but I am. I'm not the type to complain and NOT take action, I just don't know where to start.

Simple Rambling:
 >Word on the street is Ty wants a homemaker wifey to pack his lunch and drive it to work with fresh squeezed lemonade
          -that creeps me out because I will never be that woman for him. Maybe if what he wanted didn't require me stepping back into the 50's...
>Ty is being a big baby as a lately & I don't have the patience for it, which in turn is bringing on a lot of arguments.
          -nothing horrible, but little stupid arguments all the same...it's like he expects me to coddle him; and I just can't wrap my head around it. When you have a 4yo you give up the option/opportunity to act like a child from time to time. I mean is it selfish of me to say that?  He expects me to except his child, and become a 2nd mother to Pax, but I'm supposed to do that for him too?
>I haven't purchased a pair of jeans in a year! i'm freakin' the eff out! When I was averaging 2 pairs per month, I am loosing my mind, and can't hold it in anymore!


I think this is all i have on my mind right now..... so till next time. :o) I'll try to keep my sanity

EPIPHANY

That's what I had 3 days ago standing in the kitchen with Ty... I don't remeber how the conversation started or even how we got on the topic but somehow a mention of his class ring, turned into what kind of wedding band he wanted, which lead him flipping his class ring upside down, with the base at the top and sliding it on his wedding finger.  That moment took my breath away, and thats when I had my EPIPHANY.

This man truly loves me. Like Seriously. I guess you're wondering why it is coming as such a surprise for me, considering I've been engaged to him for the past 8mths.  But it's hard to explain. Even though we fight (which we've been really good since the last big blow out) he is always the first to apologize. When I'm mad for no real reason he makes it his mission to cheer me up. Our relationship hasn't been easy by any means...we have cramed falling in love and simply learing about eachother in 9mths time. And we still have so far to go. But I can see that he is growing and feel myself growing too, and that's what a relationship is...GROWING together.

 Seeing that ring on his finger made everything real. So real. I was giddy inside, I couldn't stop smiling and my heart beat quickened...that little piece of  metal symbolizes more than a signed piece of courthouse paper. That ring was his unspoken promise to me for a lifetime and I can't wait to make that promise to him as well.
I've never been that excited about the idea of being married because I don't think I felt like it really would/could ever happen. And if it did it probably would fall apart like all of my mother's marriages. But after all we've been through, self-inflicted and not, I feel more than ever that we can make it.

I'm in love with this man.

Fireproof

Every Tuesday night for about 4-5 hours, Pax, Ty's 4yr old son, comes over and stays with us while his manipulative b*tch of a mother, Roxy, takes classes at the local junior college downtown.  Well, Tuesday started off like a good day, i was getting stuff done left and right, cleaning the house, paying bills, and i still managed to have dinner made from scratch, hot and ready when the boys got home.  Now i am not a domestic goddess by any means, but for some reason, i was on Tuesday. And to be honest i was pretty damn proud of myself! I emailed pictures of the food to my sister and mother just to brag. But anyways, i welcome Pax, and it goes unacknowledged as he walks past me and straight into his room.  This kid has no manners and no sense of empathy whatsoever. Although, I have become fairly used to him ignoring me sometimes it still irritates me.  All the same, I take it with a grain of salt and decide to watch some TV until Ty gets home.  When Ty comes through the door it is like any other day, except he’s 70 minutes late and never called. Whatever not a huge deal, but this is the beginning of our end.

 As everyone gets settled into the house I presented Ty with dinner he is shocked and in awe. He showers me with compliments, congratulates on a job well done, and for ALL that I’ve done today. To spite his attempt at flattery it is quickly crushed and thrown out the window.  The second after Roxy arrived to take Pax home; Ty is pulling at my pants and putting his hand up my shirt. Wait. Hold the phone. I thought you said you were tired from work, and lord knows I’m tired from keeping this housing running… “I’m not in the mood tonight babe”  and thus begins the huff and puff of how we never have sex, how once maybe twice a week was not what he “signed up for” and how would I feel if I brought a car and it only started up once a week. Yes. Yes he did just say that I don’t put out enough for him and compared me to an automobile, as if he wanted to trade me in for a better model.  Surprisingly I did not freak out; I just rolled over and said “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Next day, 7 o’clock in the morning to be exact, Ty rolls over to whisper in my ear “I really wana make love to you.” I proceed to ignore him (I’m learning from Pax) and say nothing.  Then i just can’t stand his blustering and I decide to go for a run, and he leaves for work.  Everything he said Tuesday night was eating at me all day. I couldn’t help but be mad at him every time I thought about it. It really hurt my feelings and this time I wasn’t going to let it slide. I was mad and making demands.  I called him at work and told him he owes me dinner to make up for the night before.  He obliged and when he got home, we headed out.  We decided to go somewhere new, and with those ambitions we found ourselves on the other side of town, at a steak joint. (I don’t even eat red meat)Once inside I decided that this was MY night and I wanted what I wanted.  I requested a booth for seating preference, normally I don’t care, but again it was my night it was about what I wanted…and not so deep down, I really just wanted to get back to being close to Ty.  “Um, I don’t know, hold on, ok.” Apparently the 17yr old host wasn’t looking forward to walking me to a booth, but begrudgingly took us back anyway. Now I every once and a while I think I can get away from people I know but don’t like – and then fate reminds me that I can never get away from the people I truly hate… i.e. Roxy.  Lo and behold, who are we sitting right next to?  Roxy and Pax. C’MON! REALLY?! Yes, really. And it wouldn’t have been so bad if Ty didn’t jump right in their seat next to Pax to say “hi” to him AND “we gota sit with them” to me. “Like HELL we don’t.” I retorted. Ty got the point and moved back to our rightful table.  From then on the evening was shot. Even down to Pax coming up saying goodbye to Ty. Yup, just Ty; but then I get the crazy eye for not saying anything as he walked away with Roxy. 

Here is where the can of worms is cracked open.  Now Ty and I rarely talk about Pax, because Ty and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on how to raise children.  But here we are in the middle of steak-joint hashing out how Pax acts with me/to me, and how I can’t handle Ty shoving his idea of a nuclear family down my throat.  Yeah that didn’t go over well at all.  You know when you’re having a conversation on a touchy subject and the whole time you’re thinking – this is why I’ve never said anything. Yeeeeaaah that is how my night was going and it wasn’t getting any better. Long story short, Ty and I begin arguing like no other.  Now we’ve had really big fights before, but it’s been a while and maybe not even this bad. Ty drove that night and I got him so angry he told me to get out of the car, call a cab and began to dig threw his wallet for cash as he shouted “here! I’ll pay for it!” Not at this moment, only four things ran through my head. “I don’t have my house keys, the one time this bastard drives.” “I’ll take your money and call my mother/sister.” “I let another fucker use me, how will I explain this one” & “you’ll have to drag me out.”  I don’t get out the car. I used my strongest “I am woman, confident and more badass than you” voice and calmly said “Tyler. You WILL take me home.” And he started the car and began to drive.  I exhale. The drive home was rough, I had to pee, and I was holding back tears.  The shouting was over but the air was still thick. After the fighting, hurtful words and even worse stares my mind was a complete blank and I couldn’t even think of what would happen next.  A lot of the drive is a blur, but I’ll never forget what he said as we pulled into our driveway. His tone low, and steady, deeper than I’ve ever heard from him before.  He opened his mouth said he would pack his stuff and leave.   Those words cut in me like a knife. It was painful the second it hit my ears.  His tone and straight face sent shivers down my back. He never took his eyes off the steering wheel. It was almost a whisper, like it physically hurt to say it.  It was then that I let once silent tear run down my face. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I couldn’t bring myself to stop him.

So what happens next? What do I do…let the man I’ve promised to share my life with walk out of my life, or fight for him? I think I love him so much because he truly is my other half.  When I can’t find the words, or my pride is too heavy to move, he always comes through and touches in some way, speaks in some way that completely changes my mood and bridges the gap. 

I realized I wasn’t the future bride anyone wanted. I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. I let everyone else’s feelings and emotions ruin my main goal for the evening – all I wanted was to get close to Ty and I was the only thing standing in the way.  If we are to get married, I can’t do that. I can’t allow others to affect my relationship with Ty. I can't allow how I feel about others, affect how I feel about Ty. I want him too bad, and it’s clear I like to get what I want…  In a way I still got what I wanted I just took the long route with bums and potholes, but at the end of it – we are closer.  He apologized, I apologized and we vowed to each other that the crazy fights and threats to walk away are not an option anymore. 

I guess sometimes you have to burn what you have to find out if it’s fireproof.

Now I Know

Night Owl

 I have never considered myself a “night owl” nor would I say I am an “early bird”.  I think I’m happily in the middle, on the fence with a perfect balance. I like to think I adapt well given whatever situation at hand.  However to spite my best efforts this week, my sleep schedule has been so wonky and off it’s ridiculous and that is all because Ty doesn’t know how to let me sleep!  Every night this week, Ty has come home stupid late from either working his peddicab or his “mid-night ride” and deliberately woken me up. I have been completely knocked out asleep until he saunters in the house loud, full of stories and slightly obnoxious.  Bam! I’m awake for the next two maybe three hours, while he snores at full volume. I guess I wouldn’t be so upset if that was just something that we ‘do’.  Like it’s accustom for one of us to come home and an absurd hour in lue of whatever life has thrown at us, and wake the other up because we just wanted to talk.  Maybe THEN I wouldn’t be so put out by it all. But no, that’s not the case… I do not come home after work at 2am throwing my stuff everywhere, and wake him up “just because”.  So please, excuse me for expecting the same courtesy. Well, when you think of the definition and then of Ty, you’d quickly realize the two would never cross paths. Wow...Okay, that was harsh, I take it back.  But anyway, tonight in particular… sOmEoNe is uber tired and not inclined to entertain any playful antics from me. 

“Ugh, I’m sooo tired, and the T.V. is soooo loud!”

Oh how the shoe is on the other foot.  Why is it that some people can dish it but can stand to take it? Guess I should have seen that coming a mile away though; what can I say, he’s a Virgo.  I never believed the rumors about the ill characteristics of a Virgo, until now. I’M a Virgo also and I would never stand for such erroneous allegations, but given the current circumstances, I suppose I have to agree. Nevertheless, the two of us together….two Virgos under one roof. Sheesh! God have mercy on our NERVES! I’m sure I drive him crazy, it’s only fair because Lord knows he sends me up a wall. 

Point is there is a TIME…literally, an hour for liveliness and being rowdy; and then there is a time to be hushed. That time, Hush Time, is when your partner is sleeping and has to get up in 4hours for work. 

Home Alone!

Ty: I think I’m gona go to Byron this weekend.

Me: Ohh really?

Ty: Yeah, you work all weekend don’t you?

Me: Yep.

Ty: That sucks, wish you could go.

Me: I know…

So Ty has decided to go back to his hometown for the weekend; Byron, OH. You know, it's about a 3.5 hour drive to Northwestern Ohio, the corner of Bum-f*ck & “you got a purdy mouth”. It's a small town full of WASP where the population is 8,333; only 13% Asian (the Phomg family) and .03% “colored folk”(I’m only counting the two guys I saw walking into the local courthouse).

 “Damn. I’ve got to go to work and I just can’t get out of it.” You could probably smell the sarcasm on my breath. So now I am left home alone. If you ask me, I’ve got the stay-ca-tion of a lifetime…TWO days and ONE night of my queen size bed to myself, silence in the house, and bubble baths in peace. I’m desperately trying to hide my excitement here. I mean really, I should probably be wretched with sadness and consumed with missing him; but truth be told, I’m not. With Ty gone I don’t have to listen to complaining, stomping, or whining (yes it’s like I live with a 6yr old-and no I’m not counting his part-time son, although Pax took the trip too). I am so relieved and thoroughly enjoying the serenity of it all.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Well, lately we could use all the help we can get.  So for the next 27-30hrs, I will pig out, relax, and watch every preview on every dvd video I own (Ty normally fast forwards through them) …all while my heart gets its ‘fondness’ on. 

I Do?

 It seems all my life I grew up in a broken home. My parents were the divorced by the time I was 7yrs old. Since then my mother has been married, divorced, and married again but still she is not happy. Is marriage a compromise to happiness? Because of my mother’s frolics my ideas of a family and a happy marriage are somewhat warped. Throughout my life I’ve toggled between believing in soul-mates and forever remaining single.

To spite that I am engaged,recently I've found myself less interested in holy matrimony and more in single-life thrills. I am waiting for the ball to drop, or seeing that it already has? Isn’t engaged life supposed to be blissful and happy? You know, the prelude to the great life you're about to share with someone? I mean I’m about to commit my LIFE to one single person, isn’t that good? I guess I would be excited, except I can’t help feeling like everything about my relationship with Ty has been backwards and in hyper speed. We completely skipped the dating period of learning and enjoying the newness of our "love/lust". We’ve been engaged for 6mths (one day he just said "i want to marry you" and handed me his great-grandmother's ring), we’ve been living together for 7mths (he was getting kicked out of his old place, and I happened to be moving that same week too) and I’ve known Ty for 9mths (maybe). I always dreamed of my engagement, not my wedding...but HOW my soul-mate would confess his love; and now i feel like I've been jipped. Is it too late to slow down?

Things with Ty seemed to unfold nicely in the beginning. When we first met, I was smitten.  He was so cultivated and worldly; everything about him seemed shiny and new. He was mine, and for once I felt like he was as excited to be with me, as I was to be with him. He was my new toy and i didn't have to share.  Even though i have three other siblings, sharing has never been my strong suite; I see that more and more in living with Ty.  Ever feel like people only want to share because they aren’t bringing anything worthwhile to the table to being with?  Well, that’s how I feel.  It seems like all the things that attracted me to him in the beginning appear to be lost. The spontaneity and the adventure are all gone. Was it all a façade, just a smokescreen to blind me from who he really is? Or, in his defense, are all the excitements simply lost in the bustle of our daily activities and pressures?  Is that just life?  And if it is… do I want it?

My mother tried numerous times to find happiness for herself and us girls (my sibs) but for some reason she still is discontent.  Is that all “marriage” has to offer? Would we all be better if she never remarried and we just learned to live alone? Am I destine to follow in my mother’s footsteps, constantly searching for the adventure of love, but consequently settling for less?

The Library of more than just books

I started today, like any other, and wandered to the library. I guess I went to utilize the free wifi, but it quickly turned into a long, misty-eyed stroll down memory lane. A remembrance of my grandma. Now that she's gone, there isn't much that doesn't remind me of her. Today in particular, the smell of old dusty books, and printed ink had my mind flooded with memories. I remember how she used to walk me to the library on the corner of our street. I remember when she helped me sign up for my first library card, she taught me how to check out books, be silent inside, and respect the knowledge that lived there. I remember sitting in the library for hours on end, just reading and listening to the shuffle sound of books moving from an old squeaky cart to their proper space on the shelves. I remember the stained glass windows, the sound the rain made when it hit the rusted drain outside the Children's [Books] room. I remember volunteering to read to the younger kids, summer reading challenges of how many books you could read over a 3mth period. I remember when I was finally old enough and allowed to make the 4minute walk to the library by myself. I miss my grandmother terribly. I miss everything about her. Her infectious laugh, her calming voice when I thought my world was crumbling. I miss her peace, her heart, and even her discipline of making me walk up and down stairs until I "learned [my] lesson". Sometimes I don't think anyone understands where I'm coming from or how I feel. If you've never lost a close loved one, if you've never lost the person who has shaped you into who you are today...then you don't know this pain. You could noteven begin to imagine.

Melted Banana Split

Picture a banana split. No wait, there used to be an ice sundae my grandma would always order and it had everything you could possibly imagine in it; JIM DANDY! Yes, well anyway, picture it with all the toppings and revel in its beautiful deliciousness waiting to be devoured. Now pictured it 15minutes later, liquefied and soggy…you know how grotesque it is when your ice cream melts faster than you could eat it? Yep, THAT is my life; A melted messy sundae. All the good has sunk to the bottom and I’m left with a soupy, sloppy, sticky mess (say that ten times fast). So sit back and enjoy the peek into God's personal joke, a.k.a. My Life...grab a spoon.