My Stupid Mouth

I miss my grandma.  Until recently, a part of me never really accepted the fact that she is gone.  Days like today make me feel like it’s bold in print everywhere I look.  With her being states away, it was common not to have spoken to her in a few days; but when she wasn’t traveling or doing something at her church, she could AND would talk for hours. I miss that.  I miss her voice and her infectious laugh.  I need that right now. I hate that I miss her so much because missing her doesn’t change anything and I’m just left feeling worse than before and so selfish. I miss her because I still need her. You see, there are things I can talk to my mom about, things I can talk to Jess about, and then there were things that only my grandma would understand, and now that she’s gone – who can I talk to??

My grandma was THE ONLY person who has ever understood who I am and the best part about that was that she never tried to change me; she just taught me how to deal with those people who weren’t fortunate enough J to understand me.  She had a way of helping me step outside of my own thoughts and into someone else’s.

The thing is, just when I think Ty and I are doing so great, so strong and nothing can break us… we always find something that’s more bad-ass than us.  Last night we found that thing, that robust topic of conversation that could no longer be avoided: the Ty-Pax-Roxy Triangle.  For me it’s not a Pax thing, or even a Roxy thing, it’s a ‘be mature & fight for your kid’ kind of thing. [See previous “grouch” blog] But I guess it doesn’t matter because what I said came out so horribly wrong that the ‘conversation’, now flat out argument, was a ‘Nessav without Ty’ thing. <<  That makes it sound like this was entirely my fault, but when I sit back and try to think how Ty was thinking…I reckon it is.   Ever feel like you are the only thing standing in your way of happiness? I do. Sometimes it feels like I’m sabotaging my relationship with Ty.  Sometimes my attitude and pride can be so disheartening. Ty is by far the most amazing guy I have ever been with (hence me deciding to marry him)…and when you think of the fools I wasted time on, you’d see that it is not hard to be better than them. So while that’s not saying much, it really says everything at the same time.  Basically, those boys put me through Hell and even all of them combined couldn’t make up half the man Ty is.  Last night made me realize that sometimes I forget to appreciate him.

 The conversation spun so far out of control that at the end while I am leaving the house, speeding away to go buy cigarettes, Ty calls me to say that he will be sleeping at his work office for the night.  Now we have been here before, big argument and Ty is the first to spit words of fire, talking about leaving the relationship. We agreed not to do that anymore right? Well, this was different.  As he said he was leaving for the office, he followed that with “it sounds like you don’t know if WE (Ty & Pax or Ty & Myself …it stings however you slice it) are what you want anymore, so when you decide – just call me.”  *SMACK! In the face* I’m sorry, what?  I suppose I never thought it would come down to that.  I guess I was just expecting him to say ‘yeah I’m going to try harder’ and it be done but now as I replay the argument I can see how he would come to that conclusion.  Every word that came out my mouth was negative.  Every point I tried to make was backed with nonsense that did nothing but make him feel like a failure.  I made it seem like Ty was a failure in his past, a disappointment with his son, and now a letdown to me.  Reality is I was the only 'failure' in this equation.  I remember a long time ago, giving one of my BFFs a heart-to-heart about her then boyfriend, saying “your significant other is supposed to be the person who builds you up when the world tries to extinguish your fire; why be with someone who tears you down just as bad as the rest of the world??”  I should be in the mirror when I say these things… Maybe Grandma left a few pearls of wisdom with me after all.  I feel horrible that I was extinguishing Ty’s fire last night.  When I should have been supporting his, I was pulling him down.  I was, I admit it, and I hate myself for it.  Where helping Ty fight for Pax was really what my mind was thinking, but my mouth was not on the same page.  

I got home from the buying cigarettes and although his truck was still in the driveway, he was not in the house.  I checked the garage to see if he’d taken his bike, but no that was still there too.  I had no idea where he was or if the next time I’d see him, he’d have packed bags.  Still I was too stupid to see what was slipping away.  I didn’t call him; instead I fell into an old routine of taking a hot shower and playing my old break-up mix cd.  -SMH- A lot of good that did me because half way in I was sitting on the shower floor, crying.  And once again, Ty proves to be the ‘bigger person’ amongst the two of us…turns out he couldn’t go.  He had been sitting in his truck the whole time. “You came back.” I whispered as I hugged him so tight. “I never left.  If you don’t want this you’re gona have to tell me to my face.”

I don’t know what I did to bump into Ty and stumble upon such a pure heart, but God, I am lucky. I vow to watch my stupid mouth, and to never take him for granted like I have been.

 Every day is: Ty Appreciation Day