Fireproof

Every Tuesday night for about 4-5 hours, Pax, Ty's 4yr old son, comes over and stays with us while his manipulative b*tch of a mother, Roxy, takes classes at the local junior college downtown.  Well, Tuesday started off like a good day, i was getting stuff done left and right, cleaning the house, paying bills, and i still managed to have dinner made from scratch, hot and ready when the boys got home.  Now i am not a domestic goddess by any means, but for some reason, i was on Tuesday. And to be honest i was pretty damn proud of myself! I emailed pictures of the food to my sister and mother just to brag. But anyways, i welcome Pax, and it goes unacknowledged as he walks past me and straight into his room.  This kid has no manners and no sense of empathy whatsoever. Although, I have become fairly used to him ignoring me sometimes it still irritates me.  All the same, I take it with a grain of salt and decide to watch some TV until Ty gets home.  When Ty comes through the door it is like any other day, except he’s 70 minutes late and never called. Whatever not a huge deal, but this is the beginning of our end.

 As everyone gets settled into the house I presented Ty with dinner he is shocked and in awe. He showers me with compliments, congratulates on a job well done, and for ALL that I’ve done today. To spite his attempt at flattery it is quickly crushed and thrown out the window.  The second after Roxy arrived to take Pax home; Ty is pulling at my pants and putting his hand up my shirt. Wait. Hold the phone. I thought you said you were tired from work, and lord knows I’m tired from keeping this housing running… “I’m not in the mood tonight babe”  and thus begins the huff and puff of how we never have sex, how once maybe twice a week was not what he “signed up for” and how would I feel if I brought a car and it only started up once a week. Yes. Yes he did just say that I don’t put out enough for him and compared me to an automobile, as if he wanted to trade me in for a better model.  Surprisingly I did not freak out; I just rolled over and said “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Next day, 7 o’clock in the morning to be exact, Ty rolls over to whisper in my ear “I really wana make love to you.” I proceed to ignore him (I’m learning from Pax) and say nothing.  Then i just can’t stand his blustering and I decide to go for a run, and he leaves for work.  Everything he said Tuesday night was eating at me all day. I couldn’t help but be mad at him every time I thought about it. It really hurt my feelings and this time I wasn’t going to let it slide. I was mad and making demands.  I called him at work and told him he owes me dinner to make up for the night before.  He obliged and when he got home, we headed out.  We decided to go somewhere new, and with those ambitions we found ourselves on the other side of town, at a steak joint. (I don’t even eat red meat)Once inside I decided that this was MY night and I wanted what I wanted.  I requested a booth for seating preference, normally I don’t care, but again it was my night it was about what I wanted…and not so deep down, I really just wanted to get back to being close to Ty.  “Um, I don’t know, hold on, ok.” Apparently the 17yr old host wasn’t looking forward to walking me to a booth, but begrudgingly took us back anyway. Now I every once and a while I think I can get away from people I know but don’t like – and then fate reminds me that I can never get away from the people I truly hate… i.e. Roxy.  Lo and behold, who are we sitting right next to?  Roxy and Pax. C’MON! REALLY?! Yes, really. And it wouldn’t have been so bad if Ty didn’t jump right in their seat next to Pax to say “hi” to him AND “we gota sit with them” to me. “Like HELL we don’t.” I retorted. Ty got the point and moved back to our rightful table.  From then on the evening was shot. Even down to Pax coming up saying goodbye to Ty. Yup, just Ty; but then I get the crazy eye for not saying anything as he walked away with Roxy. 

Here is where the can of worms is cracked open.  Now Ty and I rarely talk about Pax, because Ty and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on how to raise children.  But here we are in the middle of steak-joint hashing out how Pax acts with me/to me, and how I can’t handle Ty shoving his idea of a nuclear family down my throat.  Yeah that didn’t go over well at all.  You know when you’re having a conversation on a touchy subject and the whole time you’re thinking – this is why I’ve never said anything. Yeeeeaaah that is how my night was going and it wasn’t getting any better. Long story short, Ty and I begin arguing like no other.  Now we’ve had really big fights before, but it’s been a while and maybe not even this bad. Ty drove that night and I got him so angry he told me to get out of the car, call a cab and began to dig threw his wallet for cash as he shouted “here! I’ll pay for it!” Not at this moment, only four things ran through my head. “I don’t have my house keys, the one time this bastard drives.” “I’ll take your money and call my mother/sister.” “I let another fucker use me, how will I explain this one” & “you’ll have to drag me out.”  I don’t get out the car. I used my strongest “I am woman, confident and more badass than you” voice and calmly said “Tyler. You WILL take me home.” And he started the car and began to drive.  I exhale. The drive home was rough, I had to pee, and I was holding back tears.  The shouting was over but the air was still thick. After the fighting, hurtful words and even worse stares my mind was a complete blank and I couldn’t even think of what would happen next.  A lot of the drive is a blur, but I’ll never forget what he said as we pulled into our driveway. His tone low, and steady, deeper than I’ve ever heard from him before.  He opened his mouth said he would pack his stuff and leave.   Those words cut in me like a knife. It was painful the second it hit my ears.  His tone and straight face sent shivers down my back. He never took his eyes off the steering wheel. It was almost a whisper, like it physically hurt to say it.  It was then that I let once silent tear run down my face. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I couldn’t bring myself to stop him.

So what happens next? What do I do…let the man I’ve promised to share my life with walk out of my life, or fight for him? I think I love him so much because he truly is my other half.  When I can’t find the words, or my pride is too heavy to move, he always comes through and touches in some way, speaks in some way that completely changes my mood and bridges the gap. 

I realized I wasn’t the future bride anyone wanted. I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. I let everyone else’s feelings and emotions ruin my main goal for the evening – all I wanted was to get close to Ty and I was the only thing standing in the way.  If we are to get married, I can’t do that. I can’t allow others to affect my relationship with Ty. I can't allow how I feel about others, affect how I feel about Ty. I want him too bad, and it’s clear I like to get what I want…  In a way I still got what I wanted I just took the long route with bums and potholes, but at the end of it – we are closer.  He apologized, I apologized and we vowed to each other that the crazy fights and threats to walk away are not an option anymore. 

I guess sometimes you have to burn what you have to find out if it’s fireproof.

Now I Know

Night Owl

 I have never considered myself a “night owl” nor would I say I am an “early bird”.  I think I’m happily in the middle, on the fence with a perfect balance. I like to think I adapt well given whatever situation at hand.  However to spite my best efforts this week, my sleep schedule has been so wonky and off it’s ridiculous and that is all because Ty doesn’t know how to let me sleep!  Every night this week, Ty has come home stupid late from either working his peddicab or his “mid-night ride” and deliberately woken me up. I have been completely knocked out asleep until he saunters in the house loud, full of stories and slightly obnoxious.  Bam! I’m awake for the next two maybe three hours, while he snores at full volume. I guess I wouldn’t be so upset if that was just something that we ‘do’.  Like it’s accustom for one of us to come home and an absurd hour in lue of whatever life has thrown at us, and wake the other up because we just wanted to talk.  Maybe THEN I wouldn’t be so put out by it all. But no, that’s not the case… I do not come home after work at 2am throwing my stuff everywhere, and wake him up “just because”.  So please, excuse me for expecting the same courtesy. Well, when you think of the definition and then of Ty, you’d quickly realize the two would never cross paths. Wow...Okay, that was harsh, I take it back.  But anyway, tonight in particular… sOmEoNe is uber tired and not inclined to entertain any playful antics from me. 

“Ugh, I’m sooo tired, and the T.V. is soooo loud!”

Oh how the shoe is on the other foot.  Why is it that some people can dish it but can stand to take it? Guess I should have seen that coming a mile away though; what can I say, he’s a Virgo.  I never believed the rumors about the ill characteristics of a Virgo, until now. I’M a Virgo also and I would never stand for such erroneous allegations, but given the current circumstances, I suppose I have to agree. Nevertheless, the two of us together….two Virgos under one roof. Sheesh! God have mercy on our NERVES! I’m sure I drive him crazy, it’s only fair because Lord knows he sends me up a wall. 

Point is there is a TIME…literally, an hour for liveliness and being rowdy; and then there is a time to be hushed. That time, Hush Time, is when your partner is sleeping and has to get up in 4hours for work. 

Home Alone!

Ty: I think I’m gona go to Byron this weekend.

Me: Ohh really?

Ty: Yeah, you work all weekend don’t you?

Me: Yep.

Ty: That sucks, wish you could go.

Me: I know…

So Ty has decided to go back to his hometown for the weekend; Byron, OH. You know, it's about a 3.5 hour drive to Northwestern Ohio, the corner of Bum-f*ck & “you got a purdy mouth”. It's a small town full of WASP where the population is 8,333; only 13% Asian (the Phomg family) and .03% “colored folk”(I’m only counting the two guys I saw walking into the local courthouse).

 “Damn. I’ve got to go to work and I just can’t get out of it.” You could probably smell the sarcasm on my breath. So now I am left home alone. If you ask me, I’ve got the stay-ca-tion of a lifetime…TWO days and ONE night of my queen size bed to myself, silence in the house, and bubble baths in peace. I’m desperately trying to hide my excitement here. I mean really, I should probably be wretched with sadness and consumed with missing him; but truth be told, I’m not. With Ty gone I don’t have to listen to complaining, stomping, or whining (yes it’s like I live with a 6yr old-and no I’m not counting his part-time son, although Pax took the trip too). I am so relieved and thoroughly enjoying the serenity of it all.

People say absence makes the heart grow fonder right? Well, lately we could use all the help we can get.  So for the next 27-30hrs, I will pig out, relax, and watch every preview on every dvd video I own (Ty normally fast forwards through them) …all while my heart gets its ‘fondness’ on. 

I Do?

 It seems all my life I grew up in a broken home. My parents were the divorced by the time I was 7yrs old. Since then my mother has been married, divorced, and married again but still she is not happy. Is marriage a compromise to happiness? Because of my mother’s frolics my ideas of a family and a happy marriage are somewhat warped. Throughout my life I’ve toggled between believing in soul-mates and forever remaining single.

To spite that I am engaged,recently I've found myself less interested in holy matrimony and more in single-life thrills. I am waiting for the ball to drop, or seeing that it already has? Isn’t engaged life supposed to be blissful and happy? You know, the prelude to the great life you're about to share with someone? I mean I’m about to commit my LIFE to one single person, isn’t that good? I guess I would be excited, except I can’t help feeling like everything about my relationship with Ty has been backwards and in hyper speed. We completely skipped the dating period of learning and enjoying the newness of our "love/lust". We’ve been engaged for 6mths (one day he just said "i want to marry you" and handed me his great-grandmother's ring), we’ve been living together for 7mths (he was getting kicked out of his old place, and I happened to be moving that same week too) and I’ve known Ty for 9mths (maybe). I always dreamed of my engagement, not my wedding...but HOW my soul-mate would confess his love; and now i feel like I've been jipped. Is it too late to slow down?

Things with Ty seemed to unfold nicely in the beginning. When we first met, I was smitten.  He was so cultivated and worldly; everything about him seemed shiny and new. He was mine, and for once I felt like he was as excited to be with me, as I was to be with him. He was my new toy and i didn't have to share.  Even though i have three other siblings, sharing has never been my strong suite; I see that more and more in living with Ty.  Ever feel like people only want to share because they aren’t bringing anything worthwhile to the table to being with?  Well, that’s how I feel.  It seems like all the things that attracted me to him in the beginning appear to be lost. The spontaneity and the adventure are all gone. Was it all a façade, just a smokescreen to blind me from who he really is? Or, in his defense, are all the excitements simply lost in the bustle of our daily activities and pressures?  Is that just life?  And if it is… do I want it?

My mother tried numerous times to find happiness for herself and us girls (my sibs) but for some reason she still is discontent.  Is that all “marriage” has to offer? Would we all be better if she never remarried and we just learned to live alone? Am I destine to follow in my mother’s footsteps, constantly searching for the adventure of love, but consequently settling for less?

The Library of more than just books

I started today, like any other, and wandered to the library. I guess I went to utilize the free wifi, but it quickly turned into a long, misty-eyed stroll down memory lane. A remembrance of my grandma. Now that she's gone, there isn't much that doesn't remind me of her. Today in particular, the smell of old dusty books, and printed ink had my mind flooded with memories. I remember how she used to walk me to the library on the corner of our street. I remember when she helped me sign up for my first library card, she taught me how to check out books, be silent inside, and respect the knowledge that lived there. I remember sitting in the library for hours on end, just reading and listening to the shuffle sound of books moving from an old squeaky cart to their proper space on the shelves. I remember the stained glass windows, the sound the rain made when it hit the rusted drain outside the Children's [Books] room. I remember volunteering to read to the younger kids, summer reading challenges of how many books you could read over a 3mth period. I remember when I was finally old enough and allowed to make the 4minute walk to the library by myself. I miss my grandmother terribly. I miss everything about her. Her infectious laugh, her calming voice when I thought my world was crumbling. I miss her peace, her heart, and even her discipline of making me walk up and down stairs until I "learned [my] lesson". Sometimes I don't think anyone understands where I'm coming from or how I feel. If you've never lost a close loved one, if you've never lost the person who has shaped you into who you are today...then you don't know this pain. You could noteven begin to imagine.

Melted Banana Split

Picture a banana split. No wait, there used to be an ice sundae my grandma would always order and it had everything you could possibly imagine in it; JIM DANDY! Yes, well anyway, picture it with all the toppings and revel in its beautiful deliciousness waiting to be devoured. Now pictured it 15minutes later, liquefied and soggy…you know how grotesque it is when your ice cream melts faster than you could eat it? Yep, THAT is my life; A melted messy sundae. All the good has sunk to the bottom and I’m left with a soupy, sloppy, sticky mess (say that ten times fast). So sit back and enjoy the peek into God's personal joke, a.k.a. My Life...grab a spoon.