Fireproof

Every Tuesday night for about 4-5 hours, Pax, Ty's 4yr old son, comes over and stays with us while his manipulative b*tch of a mother, Roxy, takes classes at the local junior college downtown.  Well, Tuesday started off like a good day, i was getting stuff done left and right, cleaning the house, paying bills, and i still managed to have dinner made from scratch, hot and ready when the boys got home.  Now i am not a domestic goddess by any means, but for some reason, i was on Tuesday. And to be honest i was pretty damn proud of myself! I emailed pictures of the food to my sister and mother just to brag. But anyways, i welcome Pax, and it goes unacknowledged as he walks past me and straight into his room.  This kid has no manners and no sense of empathy whatsoever. Although, I have become fairly used to him ignoring me sometimes it still irritates me.  All the same, I take it with a grain of salt and decide to watch some TV until Ty gets home.  When Ty comes through the door it is like any other day, except he’s 70 minutes late and never called. Whatever not a huge deal, but this is the beginning of our end.

 As everyone gets settled into the house I presented Ty with dinner he is shocked and in awe. He showers me with compliments, congratulates on a job well done, and for ALL that I’ve done today. To spite his attempt at flattery it is quickly crushed and thrown out the window.  The second after Roxy arrived to take Pax home; Ty is pulling at my pants and putting his hand up my shirt. Wait. Hold the phone. I thought you said you were tired from work, and lord knows I’m tired from keeping this housing running… “I’m not in the mood tonight babe”  and thus begins the huff and puff of how we never have sex, how once maybe twice a week was not what he “signed up for” and how would I feel if I brought a car and it only started up once a week. Yes. Yes he did just say that I don’t put out enough for him and compared me to an automobile, as if he wanted to trade me in for a better model.  Surprisingly I did not freak out; I just rolled over and said “I’m sorry you feel that way.” Next day, 7 o’clock in the morning to be exact, Ty rolls over to whisper in my ear “I really wana make love to you.” I proceed to ignore him (I’m learning from Pax) and say nothing.  Then i just can’t stand his blustering and I decide to go for a run, and he leaves for work.  Everything he said Tuesday night was eating at me all day. I couldn’t help but be mad at him every time I thought about it. It really hurt my feelings and this time I wasn’t going to let it slide. I was mad and making demands.  I called him at work and told him he owes me dinner to make up for the night before.  He obliged and when he got home, we headed out.  We decided to go somewhere new, and with those ambitions we found ourselves on the other side of town, at a steak joint. (I don’t even eat red meat)Once inside I decided that this was MY night and I wanted what I wanted.  I requested a booth for seating preference, normally I don’t care, but again it was my night it was about what I wanted…and not so deep down, I really just wanted to get back to being close to Ty.  “Um, I don’t know, hold on, ok.” Apparently the 17yr old host wasn’t looking forward to walking me to a booth, but begrudgingly took us back anyway. Now I every once and a while I think I can get away from people I know but don’t like – and then fate reminds me that I can never get away from the people I truly hate… i.e. Roxy.  Lo and behold, who are we sitting right next to?  Roxy and Pax. C’MON! REALLY?! Yes, really. And it wouldn’t have been so bad if Ty didn’t jump right in their seat next to Pax to say “hi” to him AND “we gota sit with them” to me. “Like HELL we don’t.” I retorted. Ty got the point and moved back to our rightful table.  From then on the evening was shot. Even down to Pax coming up saying goodbye to Ty. Yup, just Ty; but then I get the crazy eye for not saying anything as he walked away with Roxy. 

Here is where the can of worms is cracked open.  Now Ty and I rarely talk about Pax, because Ty and I don’t exactly see eye to eye on how to raise children.  But here we are in the middle of steak-joint hashing out how Pax acts with me/to me, and how I can’t handle Ty shoving his idea of a nuclear family down my throat.  Yeah that didn’t go over well at all.  You know when you’re having a conversation on a touchy subject and the whole time you’re thinking – this is why I’ve never said anything. Yeeeeaaah that is how my night was going and it wasn’t getting any better. Long story short, Ty and I begin arguing like no other.  Now we’ve had really big fights before, but it’s been a while and maybe not even this bad. Ty drove that night and I got him so angry he told me to get out of the car, call a cab and began to dig threw his wallet for cash as he shouted “here! I’ll pay for it!” Not at this moment, only four things ran through my head. “I don’t have my house keys, the one time this bastard drives.” “I’ll take your money and call my mother/sister.” “I let another fucker use me, how will I explain this one” & “you’ll have to drag me out.”  I don’t get out the car. I used my strongest “I am woman, confident and more badass than you” voice and calmly said “Tyler. You WILL take me home.” And he started the car and began to drive.  I exhale. The drive home was rough, I had to pee, and I was holding back tears.  The shouting was over but the air was still thick. After the fighting, hurtful words and even worse stares my mind was a complete blank and I couldn’t even think of what would happen next.  A lot of the drive is a blur, but I’ll never forget what he said as we pulled into our driveway. His tone low, and steady, deeper than I’ve ever heard from him before.  He opened his mouth said he would pack his stuff and leave.   Those words cut in me like a knife. It was painful the second it hit my ears.  His tone and straight face sent shivers down my back. He never took his eyes off the steering wheel. It was almost a whisper, like it physically hurt to say it.  It was then that I let once silent tear run down my face. I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. I couldn’t bring myself to stop him.

So what happens next? What do I do…let the man I’ve promised to share my life with walk out of my life, or fight for him? I think I love him so much because he truly is my other half.  When I can’t find the words, or my pride is too heavy to move, he always comes through and touches in some way, speaks in some way that completely changes my mood and bridges the gap. 

I realized I wasn’t the future bride anyone wanted. I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. I let everyone else’s feelings and emotions ruin my main goal for the evening – all I wanted was to get close to Ty and I was the only thing standing in the way.  If we are to get married, I can’t do that. I can’t allow others to affect my relationship with Ty. I can't allow how I feel about others, affect how I feel about Ty. I want him too bad, and it’s clear I like to get what I want…  In a way I still got what I wanted I just took the long route with bums and potholes, but at the end of it – we are closer.  He apologized, I apologized and we vowed to each other that the crazy fights and threats to walk away are not an option anymore. 

I guess sometimes you have to burn what you have to find out if it’s fireproof.

Now I Know