Hellllllo world! Long time, no blog. I guess that would only matter if I actually had any readers... whamps. Well, no worries, I actually like the idea of talking to the abyss... this might be the only way my words don't  come back to bite me in the ass.  Any who - I guess I'm writing because it has been mooonnnnths and so much has happened and I'm starting to feel like my head might explode. 

Since the last time I wrote about my wonderful 4th of July holiday, I have since gotten a new job, a better job, found out I'm pregnant (again), and have been trying to plan this stupid wedding before 'bambino' arrives.  Ty and I are better BTW. Most days that is. Now I don't mean to imply that we continue to have had crazy arguments like the 4th (not at all, I'd be long gone if that were the case), but although we've talked about it and put it behind us, we do still have arguments and times when I don't even want to look at him. Now it's just dumb shit and I can't decide if it's my raging hormones or if Ty is really being a dick. All that is still up for debate.

So first things first..NEW JOB! Whoot! Very excited and very proud to say that I've only been with the company for 2 months (approx) and already I'm getting watched for my 1st promotion. :) As exciting as this is for me, I'm beginning to sense some hostility from Ty.  I'm doing what I love and he is not, and now I officially make more than him. I can't seem to figure out what it is that has got us 'off kilter' but I think this may or may not be a factor.

#2. Yay! OMG I'm pregnant again! I love the idea of being prego - but geez-la-weez it's not really all that 'fun'. Everyone officially knows that I'm prego and everyone (in my circle) seems pretty excited and happy for me. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I can't talk about it all the time, it gets old people just don't want to hear about it non stop. It's just that I'm super excited and I can't wait to meet my baby. I still have some ways to go though, right now I am 15weeks exactly tomorrow (and risk of m/s has dropped dramatically). :) So this puts me just beginning my 2nd trimester, the "easy trimester"...however just to clarify, the only thing that has gotten better is the fact that I don't feel nauseous as often. But I'm still tired, I'm still grouchy, my boobs are still tender, and to top it off, I still have absolutely NO sex drive. <<< This is also factor #2 for Ty's stank disposition.  ...Annnnd I'm over it.

#3 The wedding. I'm remembering all too well why I decided to push the damn thing back a year and just chuck all thoughts of planning this thing out the window.  THIS IS SO STINKIN' STRESSFUL! And even more so now that I'm trying to rush everything so that bambino isn't a bastard.  I hate it, I hate thinking about planning, I hate calling/emailing people about planning, I hate following up with Ty to find out he's done 0 of the 2 things I asked of him to help out with planning.  <<< This is factor #3 for My stank disposition. Basically it all just sucks.

And #4. Back to Bambino.  To be 110% honest, I already know raising this child is going to be hellacious.  Not because my baby will be hellacious, but because I have different standards for myself and for my children than Ty and it would almost be easier to raise bambino on my own than to argue about how bambino should be raised.  Little does Ty know, his vote doesn't really count... or maybe he does know and this is factor #4. ?? Its just that Ty and I come from two very different homes, families, and lifestyles so we don't see eye-to-eye on some things...particularly family values/closeness & child rearing. I don't know, I really don't even care. All I know is that this baby is already the light of my life and the only thing I think about 24/7.  This baby already has me wrapped around her (<wishful thinking) finger and there isn't anything I wouldn't do to give this baby everything I had and more.  No matter who tries to stand in my way.

Arg! I really don't know what it is that has Ty and I at a stand still. But figuring that out will have to wait for a different night. I'm sleepy now. Bambino doesn't allot me much energy lately and I think I have officially tapped out for today. Till next time...ttfn

Happy 4th of July

Where do I even begin?  i mean my entire holiday weekend started off fine but was then ruined in a matter of 12hrs.  Every other 4^th of July, my family plans to meet at my mother’s house and grill and cookout.  This year was no different as far as plans are concerned. The exception this year, was that my mother had a bug up her butt because her husband, after 3hrs was still MIA.  If you personally know me, you know that I despise my mother’s new husband…not because he’s “not my father!” - no that shipped sailed years ago - it's because he is a son of a bitch, because he is a selfish, worthless piece of shit.  Anyway, beyond that about mid-way into the afternoon, my mom is completely beside herself, and taking her frustrations out on Jess, Ty & myself. And then what do ya know, lo and behold guess who shows up 5hrs late? Her husband.  And guess who also decided to pitch a fit about us having beer in the cooler? That was also my mother’s husband.  I guess my biggest issue was how is it that my mother was fine with us ADULTS having a few beers while we cooked and joked around at HER house (yes, her house because she does not live with her husband-they have separate homes) but he comes over and suddenly everything must change? Ugh! I fucking hate him! I hate that he tries to show dominance over my mother and she LETS him!  At that point Jess, Ty, and I left the cook out.  We didn’t stay to eat, we made plates and took the food and our beer and came back to my house. No my mother hasn’t apologized for being a weak bitch and choosing some man over her children, no she didn’t acknowledge the obvious fact that we were upset. But I guess Jess & I should be used to it by now. All the same, in no time we were all laughing and joking around again…I felt like I had gotten my chillax holiday back.  Well that was until a measly game of Asshole went stupidly wrong.  Long story short, Ty loss, Jess won and that didn’t go over well.  Being super pissed Ty ended up driving off (mind you, we have been drinking allllll day) and when he returned I told him just how stupid that was. This in turn fueled and argument between the two of us.  And THIS is where it gets frightening. Sidebar: Ty and I argue. It's no surprise, we dont do it all the time but we do.  I am quite the head strong female and I have no problem expressing myself; so when Ty was pissy about what I had to say, it didn’t faze me and I didn’t bite my tongue.  The crazy part was Ty’s reaction. He got in my face, an inch away from my nose and proceeded to yell and shout at me. And when I stood up, yelling back, flailing my arms in challenge; he grabbed me, picked me up and carried me away. Literally. And the whole time I’m yelling “put me down”, “get off me”.  I was hitting him in his back and pushing my forearm into his throat. The picture I’m painting doesn’t do justice to how enraged and scared I was in that moment.  Ty wouldn’t let me go – he wouldn’t let me leave the room, he was pinning me down.  The thing is that it went on for another hour and a half. Finally when the yelling stopped I immediately walked away; puffy eyes, horse voice and tear streaked cheeks. I had said I was going to stop smoking but after the day and evening I had been having; i needed one - bad.

In all reality and seriousness: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED?!?!

 I will not be in an abusive relationship.

 I will not be controlled. 

Ty and I both apologized that night and promised to never let anger cloud our minds and rule our actions.  ABUSE IS A CHOICE - AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I TOLERATE SOMEONE CHOOSING TO HURT ME. The next day we did nothing but talk more about the incident and how unacceptable it was.  In all honesty, I still feel like the issue isn't unresolved.  I think we need couples therapy.  I mentioned it to Ty but we didn’t go into much depth. But seriously I think we need someone to help us communicate better. And I don’t care if all we get from it is learning to say “I need a time out” and walking away before things escalate into anything emotionally or physically harmful. Any communication progress would make me feel better than fearing that I am potentially with an abusive spouse.  I don’t feel like one incident should or can dictate a person’s character, but I won’t sit around and wait for the worst either.  We have never, ever, EVER been aggressive like that before, I have no idea where all that came from, but still I can’t ignore it.  I don’t want to make a mountain out of a mole hill or over exaggerate the situation…but if it’s not nipped in the bud, then it has the potential of growing into something much worse and in becoming much more harder to escape. 

My Stupid Mouth

I miss my grandma.  Until recently, a part of me never really accepted the fact that she is gone.  Days like today make me feel like it’s bold in print everywhere I look.  With her being states away, it was common not to have spoken to her in a few days; but when she wasn’t traveling or doing something at her church, she could AND would talk for hours. I miss that.  I miss her voice and her infectious laugh.  I need that right now. I hate that I miss her so much because missing her doesn’t change anything and I’m just left feeling worse than before and so selfish. I miss her because I still need her. You see, there are things I can talk to my mom about, things I can talk to Jess about, and then there were things that only my grandma would understand, and now that she’s gone – who can I talk to??

My grandma was THE ONLY person who has ever understood who I am and the best part about that was that she never tried to change me; she just taught me how to deal with those people who weren’t fortunate enough J to understand me.  She had a way of helping me step outside of my own thoughts and into someone else’s.

The thing is, just when I think Ty and I are doing so great, so strong and nothing can break us… we always find something that’s more bad-ass than us.  Last night we found that thing, that robust topic of conversation that could no longer be avoided: the Ty-Pax-Roxy Triangle.  For me it’s not a Pax thing, or even a Roxy thing, it’s a ‘be mature & fight for your kid’ kind of thing. [See previous “grouch” blog] But I guess it doesn’t matter because what I said came out so horribly wrong that the ‘conversation’, now flat out argument, was a ‘Nessav without Ty’ thing. <<  That makes it sound like this was entirely my fault, but when I sit back and try to think how Ty was thinking…I reckon it is.   Ever feel like you are the only thing standing in your way of happiness? I do. Sometimes it feels like I’m sabotaging my relationship with Ty.  Sometimes my attitude and pride can be so disheartening. Ty is by far the most amazing guy I have ever been with (hence me deciding to marry him)…and when you think of the fools I wasted time on, you’d see that it is not hard to be better than them. So while that’s not saying much, it really says everything at the same time.  Basically, those boys put me through Hell and even all of them combined couldn’t make up half the man Ty is.  Last night made me realize that sometimes I forget to appreciate him.

 The conversation spun so far out of control that at the end while I am leaving the house, speeding away to go buy cigarettes, Ty calls me to say that he will be sleeping at his work office for the night.  Now we have been here before, big argument and Ty is the first to spit words of fire, talking about leaving the relationship. We agreed not to do that anymore right? Well, this was different.  As he said he was leaving for the office, he followed that with “it sounds like you don’t know if WE (Ty & Pax or Ty & Myself …it stings however you slice it) are what you want anymore, so when you decide – just call me.”  *SMACK! In the face* I’m sorry, what?  I suppose I never thought it would come down to that.  I guess I was just expecting him to say ‘yeah I’m going to try harder’ and it be done but now as I replay the argument I can see how he would come to that conclusion.  Every word that came out my mouth was negative.  Every point I tried to make was backed with nonsense that did nothing but make him feel like a failure.  I made it seem like Ty was a failure in his past, a disappointment with his son, and now a letdown to me.  Reality is I was the only 'failure' in this equation.  I remember a long time ago, giving one of my BFFs a heart-to-heart about her then boyfriend, saying “your significant other is supposed to be the person who builds you up when the world tries to extinguish your fire; why be with someone who tears you down just as bad as the rest of the world??”  I should be in the mirror when I say these things… Maybe Grandma left a few pearls of wisdom with me after all.  I feel horrible that I was extinguishing Ty’s fire last night.  When I should have been supporting his, I was pulling him down.  I was, I admit it, and I hate myself for it.  Where helping Ty fight for Pax was really what my mind was thinking, but my mouth was not on the same page.  

I got home from the buying cigarettes and although his truck was still in the driveway, he was not in the house.  I checked the garage to see if he’d taken his bike, but no that was still there too.  I had no idea where he was or if the next time I’d see him, he’d have packed bags.  Still I was too stupid to see what was slipping away.  I didn’t call him; instead I fell into an old routine of taking a hot shower and playing my old break-up mix cd.  -SMH- A lot of good that did me because half way in I was sitting on the shower floor, crying.  And once again, Ty proves to be the ‘bigger person’ amongst the two of us…turns out he couldn’t go.  He had been sitting in his truck the whole time. “You came back.” I whispered as I hugged him so tight. “I never left.  If you don’t want this you’re gona have to tell me to my face.”

I don’t know what I did to bump into Ty and stumble upon such a pure heart, but God, I am lucky. I vow to watch my stupid mouth, and to never take him for granted like I have been.

 Every day is: Ty Appreciation Day

Scoot Over Oscar the Grouch

Grrr! All day I have been in such a foul mood. A dirty, foul, trash can-ey mood...so scoot over Oscar, can i share your can? Honestly, I don't even know where to begin; I don't know how to explain it. It's no secret that I don't particularly care for Ty's ex...  Well no, even as I attempt to explain, I have to correct myself and further elaborate... I realized today that it is not Ty's ex that chaps my ass; it's not Pax's ill manners that irk my nerves (even though it does); my problem, the real root of my piss poor attitude is the lack of MATURITY between Ty and Roxy, and how I am dragged in the middle of it.  It's weird because I don't feel like I'm "in the middle" of their mess, but I'm on the side-lines and watching the debacle and somehow everything in my life is directly affected.

 Bottom line is I'm sick of it, all of it! I mean seriously, how difficult is it to communicate as adults for the betterment of your shared child?  I've been thinking so much about it today, and the only thing I can come up with is > THIS is a deal breaker <   Is that so wrong? Is that selfish of me...to want to have a normal life that doesn't envolve tense emotions 4x a week over the same bull shit? For the better half of a year, I have listened to Ty gripe and complain about Roxy but never, ever doing  ANYTHING to change or fix the situation. And now, now I just don't want to listen anymore, or be around it, or have to be affected by it ever again. This isn't an Aiden situation, it's a "be a grown up about it" situation.  I don't love Ty any less, but I'm not willing to go through this for the rest of my life either.

Ugh! I feel so horrible saying that, but it's true. It's so true. Yesterday, I spent my evening home alone going over details or our upcoming wedding, and now - that is the last thing I want to think about.

The worse part about all this: how do I talk to Ty about it? I haven't a clue. Not one iota of a clue (that was worded funky but you get what I mean).  Because I don't know how to say all this to his face, I've just been avoiding his face all together. Saying that out loud, I guess that's not reeeaallly high on the maturity bar but all the same, I don't know how to tell him how I feel. It's like starting an email with "I don't mean to be a dick but..." Yeah, no good way to end that. And one thing Jess is always telling me "everything before the but is buulll shiiiiitt"  So I've been off from work for about 3hrs now and I still can't bring myself to drive home.

empty

Today is not a good day... Today would be day 250 on the countdown, but instead it is day 0. I found out that I am experiencing what doctors call a Chemical Pregnancy. If you are still confused like I was 2hrs ago, please allow me to explain. A 'chemical pregnancy' is when sperm meets egg and implantation to the uterine wall is attempted but not successful, thus resulting in an early miscarriage. As comforting news I was told that this happens when the embryo is "abnormal or has deficiencies" so "it's okay that is is happening". Ironic how that's not comforting at all, funny how that statement didn't make coping with all this any easier.

Ty isn't very helpful right now either. When I explained everything to him, he just kept saying "I don't understand." but >I< don't know how else to make him understand, and frankly I'm kind of tired of repeating the unsavory details of how I no longer have a baby inside me. What part of: I  was  - now I'm not, is hard to understand? Whatpart of MISCARRIAGE is he missing exactly?

all I can think about right now is how, for whatever reason, God REFUSES to let me have a child of my own.  This is the 2nd time I've been denied. First I get pregnant by someone who did nothing but rally for an abortion, so that we could prepare & 'do it right', but then he left me/dumped the day of the procedure. And now that I actually found someone to stick around and be happy with me, I still can't have a baby. I don't know if I even want to try anymore. What for? I feel like I'd only be setting myself up for disappointment. I guess something this good could never really happen to someone like me.

Two Hundred and Fifty-Two Days Countdown!

Today I’m writing from home because I still don’t have web access right now. Only heaven knows when this will actually hit cyber space, but no worries, gona write anyway.  So like I said before I am currently pregnant (yay!) but really, I don’t even know what to do with myself. Recently, my emotions have been all over the place, and I’m only 4weeks into this.  How crazy is that? I’ve gone from being really excited wanting to tell the world, to really nervous, wondering if I really am pregnant.  I’m pretty sure I am…I can feel my body is doing some crazy stuff. I’ve taken three test and they all been faint results; honestly I was hoping for a strong ‘yes’ no questions, solid, matter a of fact…but no dice...just two little lines...that's all i have to go off of.  With the faint hpt I’ve kinda been freaking out. For about a day and a half I walked around worrying and wondering if I were pregnant or just plain sick.

  To spite my doubtful moments, I did however pick up two pregnancy books to read, and I’m thrilled to point out that neither of these book are the cliché: “What to Expect When Expecting”. I’m proud of that actually… that book is over- rated and I don’t want the commercial version of being pregnant, I want the facts and real tips/guidelines to follow to ensure the healthiest most perfect baby ever. J

Thinking about it now, I can’t believe I figured out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and 3 days. (whoo I'm good) Ha! Most women don’t notice anything until 6 or 8weeks.  By then it’s a little too late to clean your act up and try to make sure the baby will be okay.  They say the most critical time is the first 3-8weeks. The 1^st trimester is so important. And that’s where most miscarriages happen too.

God I hope I don’t have a miscarriage. I’m trying so hard to make my body healthy and do everything right. I want this baby so very badly.

>>>Do u see this? The way my mind just jumps from one thing to the next, over joyed to worry wart in 2.7 seconds. <<<

This whole baby thing has been good for Ty and I though.  Not saying that I believe having some dude’s  baby will make him love you, but I am saying I feel closer and stronger in the relationship Ty and I share..(even though we just got into an argument).  I’m excited to be having his baby, when he lays his hand on my non-existent belly…I can’t imagine being in this position with anyone else. Ty finally had the reaction I was hoping for when I first told him I was pregnant. Don’t get me wrong he seemed happy when I told him the news, but literally the next day after work, he came up to me, gave me a huge hug and whispered… "I can’t believe I’m about to have a baby with the woman of my dreams, my best friend, my wife.”  I almost cried.  He is so wonderful sometimes…he definitely has his moments.   Uh, I love him. <3 

I want a little girl…Ty wants a boy. I might go insane if i have to live with all boys #soserious. But really a part of me hopes for fraternal twins, a girl and a boy so we’re both happy. Hahahaha

So this is day 252…count down! I can’t wait for my first ultrasound!!!! 3 more weeks till i get to hear the baby's heartbeat! *heavy sigh* I can't wait!!

Shhh.... It's a Secret

So, once again it takes forever for me to FIND the time to blog...well, here I is, :) and today it is all about my little secret. I'm not supposed to tell because it's so early in the game, but I've been bursting all day...well, for about 5hrs now.

DRUMROLL PLEASE...

I'm pregnant. I feel like I just thought that too loud.

So here's the story. Ty and I have been doing a lot of talking about getting pregnant, and completing our little family.  We weren't nescessarily trying to concieve but we weren't taking percautions either.  Literally, our conversation was that after this round/month on birthcontrol, I'd stop...and whatever happens - happens. No, that is NOT how you plan a family; and No, that was NOT well thought out. I'm aware of that, but it is what it is.  Anyway, here I am, not even a full month after not using my bc - el prego. (Ty and I had sex maybe 4months before I started bc and nothing ever happened.)

Or at least I hope so. The plus sign was pretty faint, but plus is a plus right? Is that crazy? I mean, the ONLY thing I am disappointed about is that I really really really wanted to be married and have the wedding first. I'm just old fashion like that, and I don't want it to seem like we are only getting married because we got pregnant. But again, I guess that goes back to the conversation Ty and I had...probably should have considered that before deciding to 86 the bc.  Truth be told, even in the concequenses of my stupidity, I am happy. I am so HAPPY.  And that IS  how it's supposed to be when you get pregnant.

Now the thing that scares me is how I'm going to tell my family... yeah, my mom will be disappointed that we aren't married; and then my older sister, Jess, she might be hurt. All Jess wants is to settle down and have a family, but for some reason she cannot seem to find a decent guy to do that with. I feel bad. Not like an "aww you poor thing" but I just feel like my life is shoving in her face what she doesn't have. She doesn't want my life, just the generalization, she wants a good man that loves her, wants to be with her, marry her. And everyone knows she wants more than anything to have a baby. I just feel bad.  So, I'm not really sure how to tell them. I'm confident my little sisters will be thrilled though, so that's good. We'll see I guess. I think the best part is that Ty is happy, and honestly - he's the one that really matters.

So that's it. That's my secret...keep it hush-hush for now. I've already scheduled my first doctors appointment 24 days from now. It's going to be so hard bitting my tongue for this long, but sheesh it'll be worth it. 110%


Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! We're having a BABY!!!!!!!!        (is it too soon to buy little pink socks??)